Top Five Horrible Songs That Were (For Some God-Forsaken Reason) Extremely Popular

I love music. But I cannot possibly understand why some of the music that exists either was or is popular. There’s some great stuff out there, but there’s also some total crap. This list is just the cream of the crap; a bottom five, if you will. They’re listed in chronological order of release.

1. “Good Morning Starshine” by Oliver
Released in 1969, this winner of a track made it all the way up to the number ten spot of the most popular singles for that year. If you ever wanted evidence that drugs do horrible things to your mind, look no further. Featuring lyrics like “Gliddy glub gloopy/Nibby nabby noopy/La la la lo lo/Sabba sibby sabba/Nooby abba nabba/Le le lo lo/Tooby ooby walla/Nooby abba naba/Early morning singing song,” the song almost makes you feel like an acid freak. The melody is junk, and the lead singer’s voice (presumably Oliver himself) is cheesy to a degree that puts Paul Anka to shame. And guess what? Your parents probably know all the words.

2. “You Light Up My Life” by Debby Boone
This song has been covered by everyone from Patti Smith to Robert Goulet. But it took Pat Boone’s daughter to really destroy our eardrums. Originally written as a love ballad, Boone turned the song into a declaration of her faith in God. Either way, it’s a piece of crap. The track is far too sappy to be taken seriously, and it feels brutally long at a mere three-and-a-half minutes. Here’s the kicker: it won an Academy Award for Best Original Song of 1977. I’m fairly certain that even the Academy is still scratching their heads on how they let this one slide through.

3. “Achy Breaky Heart” by Billy Ray Cyrus
The song that made the mullet legitimate for guys who didn’t play hockey. Billy Ray Cyrus punished our ears for an excruciating three minutes, twenty-three seconds, and America lost it. “Achy Breaky Heart” shot up to number 4 on the Billboard Hot 100 in 1992, thus ensuring that Mr. Cyrus would never have to work again. Line dancing swept the nation, and everyone thought they were cowboys. But no one seemed to notice that the lyrics were idiotic on a level that seemed unimaginable, the tune was summoned from the worst dregs of country music, and line dancing is a ridiculous human ritual. Not surprisingly, Cyrus didn’t have another hit after this because the American public smacked its collective forehead and refused to accept any more crap from him.

4. “Believe” by Cher
How many times has Cher given a farewell tour? Too many times, that’s how many. Ever since Sonny Bono died, Cher’s musical quality has been in the toilet. But when “Believe” was released in 1999, the world lost it. Because of this song, Cher is one of the best selling solo female artists of all time, but I’m sorry that this will be her legacy. God knows why, but it took six people to write this song. It’s techno! Moby can create an entire masterpiece with only his brain and a Mac, but to create trash like this, you need a small army. The instrumentation is nothing but annoying, and Cher seems to have lost all singing ability. To hear this song in a club is to know death.

5. “London Bridge” by Fergie
Ah yes. Fergie. Do the Black Eyed Peas really need her? Perhaps not, because she definitely doesn’t need them. Her solo album has been immensely successful, and the singles from it are still maintaining a stranglehold on the charts. But the masses are easily misled. What the general public sees as an insanely danceable track is actually one of the dirtiest songs ever written. Unfortunately, Fergie forgot the key element of writing dirty songs: make sure the innuendo you use is common knowledge. Instead, “London Bridge” is a mish-mash of lyrics that make absolutely no sense and a backing track that could have been made by a five year old with a drum kit. The bad news is, due to the financial success, this won’t be the last of songs along the same lines. God have mercy on us all.